Since my career pause in 2017, I have not settled professionally. For the last seven years, there have been multiple starts and stops. Those are mainly due to the nature of the work not suiting my mental health and personality. Post the beginning of my mental health journey, I enjoyed doing things slowly and at my own pace. However, I often jump into action mode due to my conditioning and go back to patterns of wanting to achieve professionally, in the manner I have seen and been conditioned. This is the mode of the “go-getter” or the “high achiever”
The pivot to MBA was also one of those action modes where I wanted to prove to myself that I have it in me to achieve it even when the difficulty level is high. But what I failed to realise is that whether I will enjoy the journey or if it will suit the person I am. I really don’t know who this person is, to be honest. Is it the over achiever, go getter, ambitious person or the person who loves to do things at her pace and enjoy the little things in life; be it my writing, dance or my motherhood.
My mental health is my strength and weakness. I have been told I have immense grit and resilience. At the same time, I experience a lot of anxiety and panic when it comes to new experiences or unfamiliar territories.
The MBA was an unfamiliar territory but I absolutely didn’t enjoy the pre-readings and the courses. The critical side of me wonders why I didn’t think it through, but I know it is because I was in impatient action mode and wanted to prove it to myself. Therefore, I withdrew from the course before it became too late.
My husband has always supported me through my decisions. We felt that this is important for my mental health and sanity. We never conform to doing things we don’t like or enjoy especially if it affects one’s health. As recent as today, he advised me to put myself before my career.
But my family of achievers and go getters may feel disappointed at my decision, I am not sure. I have informed them about my decision to withdraw from the course, but not spoken to them about it. I am anxious if I have failed them. But I need to know I have to live for myself and listen to my voice.
What next, I wonder? I have been reading this book called “Working Identity” by Herminia Ibarra. So far it has been a great read and giving me insights on career transitions. I believe I shouldn’t jump into action mode and take a pause and reassess on what I want. It is a journey of self-discovery and listening to my voice. I have listed the things I would like to explore and planning to do them one at a time. I know even in future nothing is set in stone, and I may have to reroute or recalibrate my decisions. But for now, I am feeling heavy as the MBA was indeed a roller coaster ride; like my life! I never end my posts on a heavy note, but sorry readers this one will take some time to get over and move on; though I think I am doing a decent job at moving past it.
Until next time, take care and listen to your inner voice and block out the rest!
We often have a wrong notion of what others think about us. They do not think the way that we perceive. Do what you feel is right. Your decision should not be based on what “others think about me “. For sue, you are capable of analysing the various pros and cons. At the end of the day you neeed to be happy and content with your family. The ultimate goal is peaceful sleep and a happy family. Listen to the song “satisfied mind “ by Joan Baez. Let you mind take the decision and not the heart. All the best
Manikuttan