LIVING WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER: THE REALITIES

In my previous post on bipolar affective disorder (“BPAD”), I have given my perspective on how to maintain the balance and an insight into the life of a person suffering from BPAD. In this post, I write about the realities of living with this condition right after a relapse of a manic episode.

I am suffering from Bipolar 1 Disorder, i.e., the highs are intense like the lows. The highs can manifest in the form of delusional behavior and a break from reality called psychosis. After 2019, i.e., a gap of 5 years, I got a relapse of mania at the end of 2024.

At this juncture, I don’t believe it makes sense for you as a reader to discuss the triggers and causes of relapse. I would rather share with you my experiences while living through the period of recovery.

The Shame, Regret and Guilt

The episode was quite extreme this time with me physically harming my family. The truth is none of that was conscious, willful, or intentional. Even though I know that the guilt I am carrying for trying to hurt my family is immense and unexplainable. In addition to the guilt, there is a lot of regret and shame too for being unable to control my thoughts and actions.

My therapist and the other persons with similar mental health conditions have told me that what happened was not me, and it is the illness. They have tried to console me that I am much more than my illness.

While I know that and believe that, given that the wounds are so fresh, the emotions of guilt, shame, and regret are very painful and harsh. They may heal with the efflux of time.

The trauma on myself

If we imagine the manic episode as a wildfire, as a sufferer, I will be in the first line of fire. Given how grave the episode was, I had to be forcefully hospitalized. The trauma of going through that can never be erased from your memory, even though the wound will heal.

In addition, the way the mania manifested this time and the subsequent consequences on me and my family, have made this episode a lot more traumatic than the others.

The trauma on the family and other caregivers

This episode though was built over a period of time, the intensity and the scale of it were not expected or fathomable for anyone in the family. Therefore, the trauma of this episode has weighed on them badly too.

Caregiver burnout is real,  and this time I have witnessed it closely. It is important for us to understand that caregivers have their limits and limitations. Each caregiver is entitled to react in a way that protects them because if you cannot take care of yourself you will not be in a position to be there for the person suffering from the condition on a long-term basis.

This time, I saw my birth family step up like never before and stand by my side as I was going through one of the toughest faces of my entire life.

Is it the end of the road?

Given the circumstances that I am in currently, I wake up in the middle of almost every night thinking if this is it and if I will not come out of this episode and its consequences.

I try to assuage the guilt, shame, and regret by reading the messages my friends and family have shared with me. They have told me that I have to go through this phase of recovery, grieving, and loss and that is inescapable, and if there is any person that can do it, it is me… Those reassuring messages keep me going.

But if you ask me now if I will have the strength to reach the other side of the road, I don’t have the answer to it. All I know is that the harsh reality is that you are in this journey alone, and will have to carry this irreversible cross for the rest of your life. However, I am always grateful for those who have been by my side and those who are by my side now, the journey becomes bearable because of ALL of YOU. So thank you…

Keep me in your prayers.